My daughter had assessments for her speech and fine motor skills, and among a couple of other things, we were told she has a severe delay in speech and receptiveness. Something I knew before I walked in there, and hence why I had asked for her to be tested, but it still hit me like a punch in the gut. I thought on some level I was maybe imagining the issues we have faced, and that there was just something I was not doing for her that she needed from me. I just didn’t understand what was so different in the way I was raising this one, in comparison to my older two, that was making things so difficult. I was hoping for this to be something that was from my own shortfall as her mom, and that I was going to be told to do or change something that I was doing, as opposed to the actual answer I got, which means she has an extra hurdle she will have to jump over on her journey in growing up.
Everyday is a struggle. A struggle to offer food, to try to understand sensory issues with noise, people, textures, times of the day that are worse than others – all with little to no communication from my daughter. Some days get to me more. I have other children to care for, a business to run, a semi-developed social life that includes us being in crowds on occasion, events, birthday parties, and for my own sanity as the only adult living in my house, I do need to make time to venture out or have people over, so I can have some adult conversations as well. Balance right now of everything is seeming absolutely impossible with a high needs child on my own. But we are learning every single day, both her and I, and we will get there.
Other parents are always full of advice. Did you try this? What about that? I would have done this, my friend does that with her child. Yes, yes, and yes – I have tried every single avenue for communication, trying to help with words, lots of guessing, discipline where necessary, crying it out, time out for her, and for me – and I have finally, after 2 and a half years, come to the realization that the issue is not her or me.. My friends and family are just trying to help, and I would for sure be giving the same kind of advice to others if the shoe was on the other foot. They have all been nothing but understanding and a bigger help to me that they realize, but what works for others is not for us. They are right on one note – that most of my struggle is from within my own self. Not what I am trying with my child, but what I am putting my focus into.
I was almost in tears when something I already knew was said out loud by a professional. But that same professional told me, as I listed all the things I have been trying to no avail, was “this is not from something you are doing, or not doing.” – And this is when I realized that she is 100% right. Everyone else can flood me with advice, or what they do, or what they would do in my situation, but the fact is, that my child is a little bit different than theirs, my household is a little but different than theirs, and its not what I am not doing, but that I need to tweak what I am focusing on as important, and realize what really is not, to help us both.
I could pull out all of my hair some days. I could yell, I could certainly cry. Or, I can look at the positive things, like my little girl’s smile, my girls’ giggles, and how helpful my older girls have become with our situation at home, how they are growing and maturing and helping, and how they all still always finding ways to just love life. They don’t complain; life is still good! Parents of high needs children, remember this: “You will survive. Your child will thrive. Life will go on.” – Dr. Sears
Want some real advice? Calm yourself down. Here are some amazing tips for parents with high needs children:
- You cannot parent a draining child if you are drained. You sometimes need to put your own needs first, especially if its basic needs, like showering and giving yourself time to eat properly. Ask for help if you need to from friends or family. Not in the way of advice, but physical help so you can take care of yourself, too.
- GET SLEEP. Seriously, make it a priority, whatever you need to do. Don’t expect to be able to deal with a hard day when you have not slept. Sleep when they sleep if you need to. This will be more valuable to your quality of life than making sure the dishes are done when everyone else is catching z’s.
- Remember that kids need to learn to regulate their own emotions, so jumping to every cry or whine immediately is not always the most helpful thing to do – for parent or child. Take a minute to let the frustration out, then attempt redirection.
- Comparing your child to other children will do nothing but give you anxiety. Your child is unique, just like you are, just like each of your friends are, your siblings, your parents – no one is just like someone else, and you don’t expect that of anyone else, so try to let go of expecting that from your child.
- A high needs child is no one’s fault. Not the child’s fault, and certainly not the parent’s, so try not to blame yourself. You will need extra patience and trial-and-error for what works for you and for your family, but you can do it – working toward this in itself is succeeding in parenting, even if you feel you have made mistakes. Keep moving forward. The hill is steep, but climbable.
I really am grateful for every single little milestone my toddler is making, even if its not at the same speed as other people’s kids. She is her, and I love her with all of my heart. That will never change, and what makes my days hard sometimes, really, is me. I can do this, that’s already something I knew before having to hear it, or say it out loud, and that should be the punch to my gut. Every. Single. Day.
Anyone out there struggling with behavioural issues, delays, not meeting what you think is an acceptable milestone with your child, I encourage you to use your support systems. Whether that is your own parents, your friends, a mom group on Facebook, or asking for professional help.
I reached out to the Early Intervention Program through Alberta Health Services, and could not be more grateful for the support I have received so far, and what we have lined up in the future. Bumps in the road are never easy, but nothing lasts forever, and don’t ever forget – Moms are real life super heroes. We got this.
More in depth parenting tips & extensive info on high needs children from Dr. Sears, a Pediatrician for more than 30 years, can be found here. I find this website is full of helpful information.