If you’re anything like me, you often find yourself wondering how your children, who share the same DNA, can be so drastically different. This thought often swirls around my head between the never-ending to-do list and the fog of “mom brain”.
I have 2 little ones. A daughter, who is a little over 2 years old and a son who is 11 months old. Crazy, right? A 15 month age gap. But the closeness in their ages almost allows me to draw a direct comparison between their personalities. And man, are they ever different.
My daughter was born 3.5 weeks before her due date. Labor and delivery relatively easy. 20 minutes of pushing and she was born. Easy peasy. She is very bright. She loves books. She likes to learn. She likes to talk and sing songs. She’s incredibly cautious. Almost too cautious. She didn’t hands and knees crawl until 5 days before her first birthday. She didn’t walk until she was 19.5 months old. Even at 26 months old she’s Just starting to do a brisk walk. She won’t run. I don’t know what to tell you, the girl takes her time. She doesn’t do anything before she’s ready. She’s always doing things on her own schedule. She eats well. She sleeps well. She asks to go to bed and for baths. Somedays, I’m not even convinced she’s human. Any transition she’s had has been flawless. We’ve never had an issue. Don’t get me wrong, she has her quirks and moments. But overall, she was and still is a really easy going and happy kid. It almost feels like we won the lottery with her.
My son? He had me in false labor for nearly 2 weeks before he was born. When it was his time to be born? His shoulders got stuck. Do you know how often this happens? I do. Only 1.4% of women experience their baby’s shoulders getting stuck at birth. This, my friends, set the tone for how things would unfold. Around 7 weeks old, my son developed silent reflux. It took us a while to figure out what was going on. But this lingered until he was about 13 weeks old. With the help of medication and a formula change, we were able to help him get to the point where he outgrew it. He was also terribly hard to burp. Sometimes my husband and I would burp him for upwards of 10 minutes at a time, in various positions. He’s been an eager beaver from the beginning. One day, he just decided to roll over. Could he roll the day before? No. Was there a lead up or slow progression? No. Suddenly, he could roll. Which meant, no more 2 arm in swaddles. Which also meant a super fun struggle at bed time. All the boy wants to do is move. Does he want to sit still and look at books? Nope. He has better things to do. It almost scares me how he has no “give a shit” factor. He’d crawl head first off the couch if I let him. His new thing is wanting to stand and sit up in his crib at bed and nap time. It’s a 20 minute ordeal going back and forth and laying him back down. The boy won’t stop growing. He’s 11 months old and he’s in size 18-24 month clothes and size 5 diapers. I can’t keep up with how fast and big he’s growing. At this rate, he’s going to grow a beard and walk out the door tomorrow morning with a briefcase. And as I write this, I smell like sour milk because he just projectile vomited all over me. I’m pretty sure he’s allergic to cow’s milk. He’s been incredibly fussy and unhappy since we transitioned him. Another bump in the road.
So what am I getting at? As you can probably conclude, my son has been a bit more challenging than my daughter. He’s thrown us for a loop so many times in the first year of his life. I feel like a brand new parent all over again, like I don’t know what I’m doing. The struggles I’ve encountered with him have made me feel like a failure as a mother so many times, even though he isn’t my first baby. I’ve cried more times since he’s been born than I have in the last few years of my life. I feel so defeated and knocked down, like nothing I do makes and keeps my son happy. How can 2 kids who share the same DNA be drastically different? From talking to family and friends, I’ve come to realize that a lot of people experience this strange phenomenon. Their second child has been.. well.. wild! These kids seem to be the ones who are full of life and really spirited. I myself am the second born and I have to wonder if I too am this way. Mom, are you reading this? There’s just something about those second babies that throw you a curveball. Almost like the universe is saying, “You thought you had it all figured out? Ha. Here you go.” And then your second baby is born and you’re shook to your core! Suddenly you feel green again. And if your brain works the way mine does, you’re left puzzled at how Thing 1 and Thing 2 are like night and day.
I’m still very early in my motherhood journey and I have a lot of experience to get under my belt. But what I have come to realize is that every child is uniquely different. They behave different, they have different quirks and personalities and they need to be loved differently. Does this mean you’re a failure? No way. Does it mean you’re an inexperienced parent with no instincts? Of course not. I know how incredibly difficult it can be on your physical, mental and emotional health to have a child that is a bit more challenging, especially when that child is your second. There are times when I think to myself, “Was I even meant to be a mom at all?” And while I know that’s a ridiculous thought as I sit here and write this, in those moments of hardship and desperation, that thought feels incredibly real to me. There are even times where I cry because I haven’t even really gotten to enjoy being his mother yet. And then the mom guilt sets in. But I’m writing today to remind you that you’re not alone. Parenthood isn’t glamorous most of the time. It’s difficult, relentless and thankless. And it’s okay to not always know what to do just because this little person is yours or society tells you that you should have it all figured out. I have no idea what I’m doing most days. If you feel this way now or have in the past, you’re not a bad parent. You’re human. We all want to be the best parents we can be. And when we feel like nothing we do is good enough, fast enough or helpful enough, we tear ourselves down with negativity and hurtful self dialogue. But I want to remind you that you’re an amazing parent. You’re doing everything you know how to at this time. You’re giving it your all. And we can’t compare our children because they are their own person, unique and perfect just the way they are. Where my daughter fell behind, my son has surpassed her ten fold. And the things my son struggles with, my daughter never did. Their milestones and development cannot be measured. How can I compare them? I simply can’t. But what I do know is I get to be a mom to 2 awesome kids who excel at completely different things. How lucky am I?
And for my sweet boy? It’s not all challenging. I never thought I’d have a son. But here I am. I have one. And he’s simply awesome. What do I love about him, you may ask? Many things. He’s the most determined kid I’ve ever met. That boy knows what he wants and he goes for it. Nothing stands in his way. I hope he carries that with him for the rest of his life. He is motivated. He’s a go-getter. I can just tell that he’s going to go at life full force. What an amazing quality to possess. He has a smile that lights up a room and just melts your heart with the cutest little teeth. He is a great sleeper. He has an infectious laugh and giggles right from his belly. When he plays, he plays hard. Toys all over because he needs to do everything all at once. He’s loud and fierce. He’s brave and bold. And despite everything we’ve been through together on our short journey, I wouldn’t change a thing. I love you son.
Looking for more parenting and family friendly content? Follow us on Facebook or Instagram to keep the fun going!
Thanks for tuning in this week. Everything we do here at Edmonton Mama is for you.