It may seem like these issues are a world away, with the stories all coming to light in the USA about Harvey Weinstein, but the truth is, it’s here too. It’s the unwanted touches, unwanted advances, and pressure, from someone in power or just your peer.
Statistics of women that experience an unwanted sexual encounter vary, depending on where you hear it from. Some say 1/5, some say 1/4, and I heard on the radio today that some say its as many as 2 in 3! I have three daughters and this scares me to no end. But it is not just our daughters that need the education to stop these incidents from happening by teaching them to be cautious and to speak up, and most assault cases are not reported, and that may not change. See some great info from a Canadian site with more answers to common questions about this, HERE.
Assault doesn’t always mean injury. That is called battery. Where do we start with putting an end to this? With our children, at home.
I think now more than ever before, it is extremely important when having “the talk” with our sons (and daughters) that we also include a talk about something as small as hesitation. Hesitation should be taken as a NO. Do not touch someone unless you have their permission. If you are too embarrassed to say “can I kiss you?” because the answer might be no, then take it as a no. Pressure because you are in a position of power, or because you know the girl will not say anything after due to embarrassment, or fear of being “outed” is absolutely unacceptable. This needs to be stressed.
The men doing these things aren’t always the big shots, like Harvey Weinstein. They are the very kind butcher shop owner’s son, the young guy at the nightclub who sees a girl who had a bit too much to drink, the ex boyfriend who thinks because he has done it before, it’s not a big deal. The boss that knows no one will report him in fears of losing their job. The guy who is your boyfriend, so he thinks he can do what he wants, when he wants. The guy on your bus on the way home from school that sees an opportunity for a grab because there are just so many people on there that no one will find out it’s you. And the girl goes home and cries. And blames herself. And keeps quiet, And learns to be cautious and fearful that her personal boundaries will be crossed on a regular basis and there is nothing she can do about it. And learns that this is “just the way it is” – NO MORE. Rape culture is not the guy who grabs a girl while shes jogging and does something terrible to her. It is all these little things in our society that teach us all that it was because of how the girl dressed, or because she laughed at a funny joke, it was taken as an invitation of some sort, or because she didn’t scream “NO” that made it permissible. If she (or he) didn’t exclusively give you permission, it’s a NO. Let’s change these statistics by teaching our kids from a young age what is OK and what is absolutely not OK.
We don’t have to come out on social media and say #metoo – we all know other women, or our selves who have experienced uncomfortable touching or pressure from someone we know or see on a regular basis, at work, at school, in social settings. By all means, if you are brave enough to put yourself out there, do it! Call them out, report them. Do what you need to do to hold people accountable for the things they do wrong. Teach your daughters to do it! Maybe that will stop some of the men that do these things that there are consequences for acting like this, but I think prevention is key, by healthy talks about boundaries from when they are small.
This is not meant to call out everyone with boys, or in any way to lay the responsibility for someone’s actions onto the parents, just to keep everyone conscious that these talks are needed and are just as important to teach kids as the Birds and the Bees facts. Although over 90% of sexual assaults have women victims, it can go the other way as well, so it is important to talk to both boys and girls about these issues. Together, we can make a change. We can start with our efforts.
Hoping and praying for all children to stay safe, while they are small, and as they grow. -EDMama