For those of you who have children or care for children, you know that life after you become a parent looks vastly different than it did before. Your priorities shift, your routine is that of bubble baths, tiny teeth to brush, rushing meals to get to soccer games and discovering that you’re worse at math than you thought you were when you try to help your kid with their homework. The days turn into weeks, the weeks turn into months and before you know it, your kids are another year older and you’re left wondering where that time went. If you’re anything like me, it’s a blur. And within that blur, the person that you were isn’t the person that you currently are and somewhere along the way, you lost him or her.
I have these moments where I’ll walk passed a mirror and catch a glance of myself and I’ve noticed my reflection has changed. I’m a couple of years older, a few pounds heavier and those pesky bags under my eyes are a little bigger. And even though I’m me, I’m almost unrecognizable to myself. I’m left wondering “Who am I?” My entire identity has turned into “Mom” and the woman I once was doesn’t exist anymore. This is a tough thought to process. Where did I lose myself along the way? For me, I don’t think it was a sudden change but rather, a gradual one over time. After my first was born, I lost little pieces of myself along the way; things I loved to do, places I loved to see and people I enjoyed being around. Motherhood completely consumed me and still does.
No one talks about how part of becoming a parent involves a grieving process. Understanding that being “mom” or “dad” brings forth an entirely new version of you and the old you slowly fades away. It’s okay to miss the life you once had, where you had less responsibility, your time was yours and where you weren’t serving everyone else before yourself. I think it’s important to appreciate that and honor the person you once were. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel surrounding this. I’ve struggled to accept this and am still working through my own grieving process. Is this to suggest that you can’t enjoy the things you once did? Of course not! I actually encourage parents to honor themselves with self care. But I’m not entirely sure any of us can look in the mirror and honestly say we haven’t changed. I have days where my mental health feels worse than ever and days where I’m stronger than I’ve ever felt. I’ve had moments where I doubt my abilities as a parent and other moments where I give myself a pat on the back because I kicked ass that day. I’m a constant work in progress and through that, I’m on a path of self discovery. I’m more than just “Mom”. But no one warned me that this would be a journey I’d have to embark on as a parent; the “Who am I now?” journey.
If you’ve ever felt this way or are currently feeling this way, know that you’re not alone. Many parents, myself included, are struggling with this. Remember to always have grace and patience with yourself. You are, after all, always in a new phase of your parenting journey and through that, in a new phase of “you”. What do I miss about my old life? Unlimited free time, the ability to leave the house on a whim, self care was more of a priority and I could have naps whenever I wanted and needed. (Remember those days!?) What do I love about the new me? My patience has grown substantially. I’ve discovered an inner strength that I didn’t know existed. I’ve learned to stop people pleasing and honor what feels good and right for my family. My perspective on life has drastically changed and it’s allowed me to step back and realize that it’s the small things that are truly important. I’ve lost pieces of myself but they’ve been replaced with new ones, ones that create a new but familiar picture.
All in all, I love this new version of me. Sure, she looks a little different and she definitely cries a lot more, but she is a chaotic and beautiful work in progress. And although I’m still not entirely sure who I am in this season of my life, I do know that my life is full of love, laughter and happiness and those are the things that will help center to me and allow me to keep an open mind and heart on this journey.
